Compared to other times in history, we as women currently have many more choices available to us. Under the law and within society, there are many more “acceptable” ways we can work, marry, raise children, etc. Women in my mother’s generation often talk about the privileges women in my generation are privy to that they never were. And for all of this, I am grateful.
Growing up in the 80s, I often heard the phrase that women were now able to “have it all” (e.g. work, families, social lives). Those people involved in the women’s movement, I think they were striving for 
women to be able to make choices for themselves in terms of what they want to spend their time and energy on. The problem is we have not always made choices: there really is pressure to do everything, and to do everything really well. This means something suffers, and this something is often our mental health.
But what does “having it all” look like in reality?
Several years ago, I saw a meme on Facebook directed at young mothers. It suggested that women had to choose between a clean home, happy children, and sanity–suggesting women can only have two of the three at any one time. At the time, I found it amusing since I was struggling to maintain all of these with toddler twins and an internship that was cognitively and emotionally demanding. However, part of me also felt like if I just worked hard enough, I could achieve all of these. I decided I was just not pushing myself hard enough.
Fast forward several years, with much more experience as a mother and as a counsellor who spends a lot of time listening to women, and my thoughts about what is realistic have changed dramatically.
A Realistic Sense of Balance
In reality, there are more than three things a woman might strive for. I would add physical/spiritual/emotional health, career, hobbies, friendships, marriage, and I’m sure many more.
I recently joined a new gym and, as part of the orientation, a personal trainer asked me what my priorities were. I suggested that my children, my husband, my health, and my work were priorities to me. When I suggested that some were higher priorities than others depending on the day or the situation, she suggested that they could all be my first priority. As a woman, a mother, a partner, and a psychologist, I wanted to tell her that it is a lovely sentiment, but that is just not realistic. I make choices throughout the day, the week, the month, and the year to prioritize one of these–sometimes at the cost of the others. But at the end of the day, I am satisfied with this “balance”.
Defining Balance with Values and Priorities
So what’s the answer? Well whatever it is, I do not believe it is straightforward. It seems to me that balance is an art, not a science. Having “balance” means being flexible, being self-compassionate when something does not get your full attention, and being able to make decisions about what to focus on and when.
So how do we make these decisions to maintain a sense of balance? I would suggest starting with reviewing what is important to you: what are your values? What are your priorities? And what can be pushed down the priority list? Maybe we cannot have everything be the number one priority at any given time: there are choices to be made.
So this might mean that for a few weeks, we give the kids less-than-stellar lunches while there are soccer tournaments, dance recitals, and extra homework. This might mean late hours at the office while the house gets a bit (or a lot) messier than usual. This might mean less alone time for a short period of time while we spend some time investing in our marriage. At the end of the day, we all have things that need paying attention to. Which means something will not get all the attention it needs.
This also means we have choices to make about what falls into which category. The last thing we need is to criticize ourselves (or each other) for making the decisions we are required to make.
So what do we do instead of criticize?
Be compassionate. Be compassionate with other women who are doing their best. Be compassionate with ourselves for juggling 16 “balls” at one time. Recognize that there are choices to be made and that we cannot be all things to all people, all of the time. So maybe we make amazing Pinterest-worthy cupcakes for that birthday party, and this meant leaving work 30 minutes early one day to stop at the grocery store on the way home. That is okay! The next week, we might spend 45 minutes extra at work to meet a deadline and ask a neighbour to pick the kids up from school. That is also okay! At the end of the day, we can strive to make decisions that work for us, and hopefully we can recognize the strength and integrity it takes to do so.