I’ve always enjoyed the changing of the seasons. It feels like a fresh start, a nice kind of change, and something new to look at in the natural environment. There is also something new to look at in the natural environment. There is also something freeing about recognizing aspects of our lives that lay outside of our control. I only get to notice if it’s raining, cloudy, or foggy and respond by making decisions that work for you (e.g. wearing a coat, bringing an umbrella, choosing to drive somewhere or stay home)–I do not have to decide what the weather is going to do. Essentially, it’s a time when I get to let go of responsibility and simply respond to a situation. It reminds me of one of my favourite concepts in counselling: that we are Responsible To and not Responsible For other people and things.
We can sometimes get very caught up in how other people are feeling or behaving. We might even feel we are responsible for these things. However, it can be very psychologically healthy to recognize the limits to what we have control over. For example, if I go to Starbucks for my morning beverage and ask for something that the barista does not enjoy making, my request might make her irritable, but there is a limit to how much of her feelings I am responsible for. Perhaps she is having a bad day, perhaps she does not feel comfortable in her ability to make the beverage well, or maybe has something else going on in her life that triggers the irritability. I might feel empathy for causing her to feel irritable, but I am not responsible for the emotions she is experiencing: she gets to be responsible for this. So, in response, I will be responsible to her by being polite, managing my own reaction to her irritation, and completing my order with dignity.
Finding the line between being responsible to versus responsible for people who are close with us can be a bit more of a challenge as our lives tend to me more intermingled. Consider that part of being responsible to someone is also letting them know how their behaviour might impact you, in an assertive and empathetic way. If, for example, my friend says something to me that hurts my feelings, I would want to tell them this so that they are aware how this affected me and gives them an opportunity to modify their behaviour. How this is communicated is nearly as important as the act of communicating it.
Try starting with an empathetic statement that might give the person the benefit of the doubt without criticizing them:
- “I know you have a lot on your mind right now so you probably did not realize….”
Next, be as specific as possible about the behaviour you found upsetting:
- “…when you said to me that you preferred my hair the other way…”
State how the behaviour impacted you emotionally:
- “…I felt like you were criticizing my new hair cut.”
Invite the person to join with you in finding a new way to behave towards you:
- “How do you think we could change this together?”
This process allows the other person to hear what you have to say without causing as much defensiveness as you might see with other approaches.
Well, I hope you found this helpful! If you’d like to learn more approaches like this, I encourage you to check out the other articles in the Psychologist Calgary blog for more advice.