My husband is from Newfoundland and, through the years, many people we know from that province have experienced a long-distance relationship. Often this meant one partner was working shifts off-shore, in the field, or in Fort McMurray while the other partner was located in a city or town far away. I have always been curious about what helped these couples maintain healthy relationships while managing the challenges that long-distance can bring.
A time came in my own life when my husband had to work out of town and even though it was only a couple of months, I got a glimpse into what it must be like to not only be away from him but also to live and maintain a household on my own. And it’s not easy.
However, if you find yourself in a long-distance relationship (by choice or necessity), there are a few things that you might want to consider to not only care for yourself but also keep your relationship strong and healthy. Here are some tips and ideas for just that:
Set up a method of connection that works for you. If you and your partner typically live in the same city or the same household, contact with your partner may not require much effort. You might just need to text “Wanna go out tonight?” or simply sit next to them on the couch. In a long-distance relationship, more effort is often required to connect with your partner. Make an effort to create a routine method of connection–this could be a mixture of texting, Face Time, video messaging, email, phone calls, or even letter-writing (how retro!). Whatever method you choose to use, use it regularly, prioritize it, and talk about a frequency that is important to you both. It may also be useful to set up plans for the next time you will see each other face-to-face.
Stay interested in each other’s worlds. According to the research of John Gottman, Ph.D., one of the most foundational parts of a relationship is to know what is happening in one another’s lives. This could be random things such as what they had for lunch, a movie they are looking forward to watching, their current pet peeve at work, to their hopes and dreams for the future. When you’re connecting with your long-distance partner, make time to get to know their day-to-day life: ask how an important meeting went, joke about what the kids did that day, and check-in on how they’re feeling about being away.
Manage isolation stress and meet your own social needs. When you live with your partner and they are away, it could mean more work for you. Whether that means you take on the household chores the other person usually handles or you are the sole caregiver to your children, it can also mean additional stress and energy. Even if you do not live with your partner, it can sometimes be difficult to not have them present to give a supportive hug or wipe away tears after a particularly difficult experience. Remember that it is important to manage your higher levels of stress differently; this might mean getting more sleep, making some sacrifices around time so that you can care for yourself, and potentially to reach out to other people for additional support. This is both important and reasonable in order to maintain your own health and well-being.
Long-distance relationships may be hard but they are not impossible. It takes some additional effort, consistency, and creativity, but once you find a rhythm that works for you, it will become easier. Just remember that you are both in this together and do your best to support one another through this experience.